How to Choose a Confirmation Saint

The Jock
He's so athletic, even other kids' parents are proud of him. The dreamy starting quarterback is as good in making passes as... well, in making passes. Mr. Popularity is usually the shoe-in for Prom King and many scribbled hearts in textbook marginalia bear his initials. The non-sports playing Jock is widely known as The Preppy.

St. Sebastian is the patron saint of athletes, though he may consider the intercession of St. Amalia who protects against arm pain and bruises. The campus Casanova could also benefit from the guidance of St. Valentine, our patron of true Christian love.

The Cheerleader
She punctuates all her sentences with a "woo-hoo" and a leg kick. She's got so much school spirit, referees will often slip their basketball team an extra point or two. Her voice is so loud you can hear what she's thinking.

St. Blaise, the patron saint against throat maladies, will protect those voices leading the crowd in cheer. St. Vitus will guide her every dance step. St. John Nepomucene can also teach the value of silence and the avoidance of slanderous words.

The Princess
She dots her i's with little hearts. Louis Vuitton often Tweets about her. For her Sweet Sixteen, she either got something with a lot of horsepower under the hood, or, a real horse. Last summer, she took a private jet to visit the other side of her mansion.

The patron saint of fashionistas is St. Paul the Hermit, who while hiding in the desert from persecution created his own line of tres chic clothes woven from leaves. St. Anne, the mother of Our Lady, is the guardian of equestrians. But St. Rose of Lima will provide this wannabe model with a model of feminine modesty.

Skaters and Surfers
It's those guys whose long locks are always wet. The soles of their shoes are worn to the sock. Every sentence consists of a noun, a verb, and either of the words "bro" or "dude." These adrenaline junkies have scars that have scars, and a gnarly story to go with each one.

St. Lydwina of Schiedam was injured in an ice skating accident which caused her to be paralyzed and suffer for many years. She has been the patron saint of those involved in any recreational skating activity for her protection from injury. The patron saint of many things aquatic is St. Christopher, so he is recognized as the overseer of those catching some waves out on the brine, bro.

Nerds
He is the captain of the chess team and dresses like the captain of the Starship Enterprise. He has a holster for his asthma inhaler. The word "larping" appears frequently on his social calendar. He can fix your computer.

Because he was a prolific writer of reference materials and information resources, St. Isidore of Seville has been recognized as the patron saint of computers and the internet, ideal for the techno-savvy teenager--though St. Raphael the Archangel, patron saint of eye problems, will warn against spending too much time glued to the monitor.

Drama Club,
Speech and Debate Team
The sycophants of Shakespeare, the dudes of declamation and the ladies of the Lincoln-Douglas. They order their lasagna and lemonade from the lunch lady as trippingly on the tips of their tongues as a memorized monologue from Moliere. They can say all they will need to say in exactly three minutes, and their rebutting wit can cut diamonds.

St. Genesius of Rome was an actor who had his spiritual conversion while on stage, hence his patronage of the theater arts. St. Drogo will also ward against the inability to speak while Blessed Notkar Balbulus will intercede for those suffering from stammering--so those soliloquies will be as smooth as silk.

Band Geeks
A slight mutation from the Nerd genus created the Band Geek, whose principal obsession is their musical instrument--which they have dubbed with a name and the designation of significant other. They spend as much time out on the field as the football team and will argue that the proper execution of Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring is harder to perfect than the play-action pass.

The patron saint of music and musicians is St. Cecilia, though many horn players are attracted to St. Gabriel the Archangel, whose trumpet blast will signify the beginning of the end. St. Francis de Sales would protect those organs most important to musicians: the ears.

Goths and Emos
They wear black more often than the clergy. Their skinny jeans were outgrown by their little sisters. Their extreme hairstyles change colors like mood rings, though their general demeanor is the scowl of teenage angst and non-conformity. Their piercings can be melted to make manhole covers.

St. Benedict Joseph Labre was rejected by a number of religious orders, so for the teenager who feels like an outcast, his life would make a great point of inspiration. St. Dymphna had a troubled upbringing as well and has become a patron saint against depression. But call on St. Michael the Archangel to keep the devil away, as this subculture has prevalent demonic themes.

Hipsters
With thick-rimmed glasses they don't really need, kitschy accessories and ironic t-shirts, this bearded vegan can be seen with his messenger bag and ten-speed, commenting on the state of politics and the environment while citing obscure references. They more than likely have a blog about their cat.

The Hipster's larger environmental concerns would lead them to either St. Francis of Assisi or--for their penchant for the obscure and hard-to-pronunce--the lesser known Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha. John Paul II named St. Thomas More the patron saint for politicos, to guide this budding pundit.